Many of us grew up with the message that emotions are not always safe to express, emotions can be inconvenient, or even shameful. We learned to square our shoulders, push through them, and “get on with it.”
We might even turn to food, distractions, or addictions to numb the feelings we were taught to ignore. As adults, we often find ourselves disconnected from our emotions, unsure how to identify, feel, or process them. Very often, as adults, we don’t even have the emotional vocabulary to describe how we are feeling or notice the sensations in our body that are commonly associated with our feelings.
Making space for all feelings is the stepping stone for emotional integration
Understanding and integrating our emotions is crucial for our mental and physical health. Stepping away from the dualistic view of good feelings and bad feelings, positive and negative feelings, but rather making space for all feelings is the stepping stone for emotional integration and greater wellness.
The Importance of Feelings and Expressing Emotions
Emotions are fundamental to our wellbeing. They act as signals, providing us with information about our internal state and our interactions with the world. Here’s why they’re important:
Self-Awareness: Emotions help us understand ourselves better. Recognising what we feel allows us to comprehend our needs, desires, and motivations.
Decision Making: Emotions guide our decision-making processes, influencing how we respond to various situations.
Connection: Sharing emotions fosters deeper connections with others. It allows for empathy, understanding and intimacy.
Health: Repressed emotions can lead to physical and mental health issues, including stress, anxiety, depression, and various psychosomatic illnesses.
How We Learn Emotions Are Unsafe
From a young age, many of us receive messages that emotions are not safe to feel or express. These messages come from various sources:
Family: Phrases like “big boys don’t cry” or “stop being so sensitive” teach us to suppress our feelings.
School: Emotional expressions are often discouraged in favour of “good behaviour,” leading children to hide their true feelings.
Society: Cultural norms and stereotypes can dictate which emotions are acceptable to show. For example, anger might be seen as more acceptable for men, while sadness is more permissible for women.
These experiences teach us to bury our emotions. Over time, we develop habits and coping mechanisms to avoid feeling or expressing them. In doing this, we learn to not see our feelings as a message and a signal, something to pay attention to.
How Buried Emotions Manifest in Adulthood
When emotions are suppressed rather than processed, they don’t disappear—they get stored in our bodies and minds, often resurfacing in unhealthy ways:
Physical Symptoms: Chronic pain, tension, fatigue, and other unexplained physical symptoms can be linked to repressed emotions.
Emotional Outbursts: Suppressed emotions can build up and eventually erupt in outbursts of anger, sadness, or anxiety.
Addictions: Substance abuse, overeating, and other addictive behaviours are often used to numb or escape from unprocessed emotions.
Mental Health Issues: Prolonged suppression of emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders.
Relationship Struggles: Difficulty expressing emotions can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and emotional distance in relationships.
The Interpersonal Impact of Emotional Disconnection
Failing to learn how to feel and express emotions as children can have significant consequences on our adult relationships. Here’s how it plays out:
1. Communication Breakdowns
When we can’t identify or express our feelings, we struggle to communicate effectively with others. This can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and conflict in personal and professional relationships.
2. Emotional Distance
Difficulty in expressing emotions can create emotional distance between partners, friends, and family members. Relationships may feel shallow or unfulfilling because genuine emotional connection is lacking.
3. Misplaced Emotions
Unaddressed emotions often resurface inappropriately. Anger might be misdirected towards a loved one, or sadness might be expressed as irritability. This misplacement can harm relationships and create unnecessary tension.
4. Dependency on External Validation
Without a solid understanding of our emotions, we might seek validation from others to feel secure. This dependency can lead to codependent relationships and an inability to establish healthy boundaries.
5. Increased Stress and Anxiety
Bottling up emotions leads to increased stress and anxiety, which can strain relationships. Loved ones may find it challenging to support us when our emotional needs are unclear or overwhelming.
Let’s Work Together
Reconnecting with your emotions can be a transformative journey toward greater emotional wellness and healthier relationships.
The first step towards healing is becoming aware of and accepting your buried emotions. This involves acknowledging past experiences and recognizing their impact on your present life. Self-reflection, journaling, or even talking with a trusted friend can be helpful in this process.
Therapy provides a safe space to explore and process buried emotions. Techniques like cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and somatic experiencing can be particularly effective. A therapist can help you understand the origins of your emotions and develop healthier ways to express and manage them.
Treat yourself with kindness and understanding
Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and connected to your emotions. Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and body scanning can increase your awareness of emotional and physical sensations. Cultivating self-compassion is also crucial; treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate your emotional landscape.
Finding healthy outlets for emotional expression is key. This might include creative activities like writing, art, or music, as well as physical activities like exercise or dance. Engaging in these activities can help release pent-up emotions and provide a sense of relief and clarity.
Every step forward is progress
By incorporating somatic practices into your daily routine, you can learn to identify, feel, and process your emotions in healthy and empowering ways.
Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take small steps— emotional growth is a lifelong journey, and every step forward is progress.