A theme I keep seeing in my work with couples and individuals
Lately, in session after session, a familiar pattern has been showing up. People come in carrying the weight of a difficult relationship – a partner who hurt them, a family member who let them down, a friendship that turned. They want to feel better. They want the pain to ease. And almost always, the first place we look is outward: what the other person did, why they did it, and how unfair it all feels.
That outward look is human, and it is valid. But it is only ever half of the story. The other half – the harder, more transformative half – is the look inward.
Self-Awareness Means Looking at Yourself
Self-awareness isn’t a buzzword. It’s a practice, and at its core it means turning the lens around. It means asking the uncomfortable questions: How did I show up? What did I tolerate, ignore, or contribute to? Where did my own patterns play a role in what unfolded?
Growth starts with owning your role. Not all of it – sometimes only a small part of it – but the part that is yours. Because the part that is yours is the only part you have any power to change.
“You can be the one who was hurt, and still be the one who has work to do.”
Healing Is Not the Same as Overlooking
I want to be clear about something, because this gets misunderstood a lot. Healing is not about overlooking bad behaviour. It is not about excusing what was done to you, minimising the impact, or rushing to forgive before you are ready. You can hold someone accountable for the harm they caused and, at the same time, take an honest look at your own side of the street. These two things are not in conflict. They are both part of the same work.
In fact, when we only focus on what the other person did wrong, something subtle and unhelpful happens in our brains.
Blame Puts Your Brain on Autopilot
Blame feels powerful in the moment, but it is actually a trap. When we hand the entire story over to someone else – their fault, their flaws, their failure – we hand them the steering wheel too. Our brain goes on autopilot. We replay the same grievances, rehearse the same conversations, and lock ourselves into the very same patterns we say we want to escape.
Avoidance is not growth either. Numbing out, staying busy, cutting people off without reflection, or moving immediately into the next relationship without pausing – these strategies might feel like progress, but they leave the underlying patterns untouched. The next relationship will hand us the same lesson, just dressed up in different clothes.
Real healing asks more of us. It asks us to take accountability for our own actions and our own behaviours, even while we are still hurt, still sad, still grieving what happened. Accountability and pain are allowed to live in the same room.
Happiness Is a Choice You Make on Purpose
Here is something else I find myself saying often: happiness is a choice. Not the kind of choice you make once and check off the list, but the kind you make again and again. You don’t wait for it to arrive. You don’t earn it by suffering long enough. You work for it. You practice it. You choose it on the days it feels easy and on the days it feels impossible.
The good news is that your brain is on your side here, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. The brain’s reward system actually strengthens the more you train it to notice what is good. The pathways you use are the pathways that grow. If you spend most of your time scanning for what is wrong, your brain gets very efficient at finding it. If you start scanning for what is right, even in small doses, that becomes easier too.
Notice the Glimmers
This is where I love the idea of glimmers – those small, fleeting moments of warmth, ease, or beauty that show up in ordinary days. The first sip of coffee. A text from a friend. The way the light hits the kitchen floor in the afternoon. A laugh you weren’t expecting. They are tiny by design, but they add up.
Noticing them is like a muscle. At first it feels unnatural, even forced, especially if you have been wired by stress or hurt to look for the next threat. But the more you practice, the stronger that muscle gets. Pay attention to the good. Strive for noticing even the little things, instead of letting only the negative get airtime in your head.
“The pathways you use are the pathways that grow.”
Bringing It All Together
If there is a thread running through all of this, it is that real change happens on the inside first. Self-awareness is the doorway. Owning your role is the first step through it. Refusing to excuse harm – your own or anyone else’s – keeps you honest. Choosing happiness, on purpose, and training your brain to notice the glimmers is how you build a life that feels lighter, even when it has been heavy.
You don’t have to do all of this at once. You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to be willing to look in the mirror, gently and honestly, and keep showing up for the version of yourself you are becoming.